Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room