Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.