[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
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I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
okay run it by me one more time
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
me working on my assignments ^-^
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.