Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.