Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s the silliest best thing

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

The French cow says MEUX…

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

guilty

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex