Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

WTF

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

time machine? you mean a clock?

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke