Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

Clients after you give them your rates

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]