“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
You Might Also Like
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Cause of death: Zumba
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.