Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
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Just me?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
He-man has a Masters degree
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them