Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’M CRYINGGG

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some