Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

dam girl

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

*names my little horse OneTrick*

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.