Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
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“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
dream blunt rotation
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.