Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
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Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
The sacred texts.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ