Interior design 👌
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JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born