Interior design 👌
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“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
🤣😂
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.