Interior design 馃憣
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Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I can鈥檛 get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C鈥檓ere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I鈥檓 such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings庐.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can鈥檛 you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn鈥檛 be here
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalape帽o chili nachos and can’t escape