Interior design 👌
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One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
There are usually two types of merchants.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection