Interior design 👌
You Might Also Like
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
🙀🙀🙀😹
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…