Interior design 👌
You Might Also Like
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!