Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

North and South

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half