Interior design 👌
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Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
My first son he is wonderful
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
how long have you had this for?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
