Interior design 👌
You Might Also Like
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.