Interior designer.
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When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Not even remotely sorry.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.