Interior designer.
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[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.