Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
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Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
We’ve all been there…
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that