Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
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Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death