Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
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Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
“you changed” bro i was 15
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.