Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
My AI girlfriend ran off with my imaginary best friend. I’m gutted – I really miss him.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
