Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Chicken bread
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
