Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
You Might Also Like
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”