@donttouchjames

[intermittent fasting]

me: ok this isn’t that bad

[12 hours later]

me: hello dominos it’s me again can u have terry stop by the ice cream store on his way here

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@beersuds

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

@fuzzlime

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

@Christweetpher_

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

@mollzbenn

The same friends who used to pressure me as a teen to drink & do drugs now pressure me as an adult to eat chia seeds & do crossfit.

@TamiDaBushPilot

I put my pants on just like everybody else, by getting my toes caught in the knee hole hopping around and ultimately taking out a lamp on my way down.

@jjax44

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

@suntzufuntzu

Spotify has a new playlist called ‘Screams’. After 5 minutes you recognize the screams as yours. After 30 you realize you never pressed play

@Dawn_M_

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

@Brianhopecomedy

My Mom asked me to help her sign up to Twitter so I did and she’s really enjoying Google Plus.