Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

こいつ天才

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.