*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
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I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Any refunds available?…
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal