Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
You Might Also Like
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Seas the day!!!!
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times