Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this