Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this