Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!