Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister