Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
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Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
adding to the discourse
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Perfect
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely