internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
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Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch