Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
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They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass