Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

Is this the real life?
Is this just

Me when someone tries to get to know me

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

selfie game

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.