Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

I cannot stop laughing at this

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog