Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

necessity is the mother of invention

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

Kentucky names the shit out of places

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.