Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?