Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
You Might Also Like
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
learning about math 🧐 📝
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.