Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
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I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Word!
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”