Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
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Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.