Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.