Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.