Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

it’s either covid or clever vampires

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go