internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
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I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’