My love language is deader than Latin
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My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
No Google it does not
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.