when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
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Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.