Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…