Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

I’d love this…lol

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I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs