Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.