[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
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The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
🤭😂
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship