Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
You Might Also Like
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I have questions??
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Huge, if true.
you’re not fooling anyone
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters