Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

U talkin 2 me?

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

There are spies in chicken coups now. They’re egg plants.

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”