Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
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you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.