internet stranger: hey you’re so sexy wanna role play?

me: sure, you be Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon.

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Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.


Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up


Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.


Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.


Scientist 1: We’re not going to be using mice in experiments anymore. You can just hand those over.

Scientist 2: Um, you look suspiciously like 3 cats in a lab coat.

Scientist 1 glares at Scientist 2, swats pen off counter and runs sideways out of room.


All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.


I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.


Wife asked if I was going to take out the trash.

Told her I didn’t know her sister needed a ride home.

I’m bleeding. Call 911


Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?