Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
internet stranger: hey you’re so sexy wanna role play?
me: sure, you be Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon.
You Might Also Like
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Scientist 1: We’re not going to be using mice in experiments anymore. You can just hand those over.
Scientist 2: Um, you look suspiciously like 3 cats in a lab coat.
Scientist 1 glares at Scientist 2, swats pen off counter and runs sideways out of room.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Wife asked if I was going to take out the trash.
Told her I didn’t know her sister needed a ride home.
I’m bleeding. Call 911
Easily one of the best social distancing ads I’ve seen
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?