internet stranger: hey you’re so sexy wanna role play?

me: sure, you be Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon.

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Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one


Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh


Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.


This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.


i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash


Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.


day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea


Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”