Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
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Running your mouth is not cardio.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
#have a #great #PancakeDay
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
This a good idea
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?