Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

This probably isn’t good

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)