Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

some cats are just doing for fun!

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

Thursday Thought.

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.