Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.