Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

and now we wait

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.