Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My spirit animal is fried chicken

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”

* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…

this article brought to you by lions

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

yes, those are my real potatoes.

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.