*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
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[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Great game to play with friends
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.