Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

Yup

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person