Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have