*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
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My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.