*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
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Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?