[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
u spoke cat all this time??????
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
