[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
No regrets in 2018
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
