[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
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Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend