Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

I wish I were this cool 😂

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.