Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.