Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

Today, a coworker was tellin’ me about her son. Last week, he got caught skippin’ school. And his punishment? A week’s suspension!🤔🤣

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

I basically called this earlier today

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.