Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch